Last year, my friend and I started a private health and fitness blog called “I Am Jack’s Fat Ass”, a prelude to a look-at-yo-body fitness club called “I Am Jack’s Smoking Revenge”. We went so far as to post full body underwear shots to track our progress. I know you’re going to try to look it up– but I’m sorry. A grotesque underwear shot leak is worse than a sex tape because with a sex tape, at least you know you were loved (not).

Underwear shots aside, IAJFA is back and it’s now wheat-free. Wheat apparently behaves like an opiate, nuzzling that part of your brain that triggers addiction. It makes perfect sense, actually. Try it for a week and see how much control you gain over your food and emotions. But then again this may just be a direct result of severing the one thing you love most about life. Congratulations. You have now lost all zest for it.

In an attempt to win back my love, I decided to start cooking again. See, I’m a pretty good baker and all-things-sweet maker but I am a terrible cook. I am one of those people who live for dessert and almost never crave substantial meals.

Today’s personal challenge is to make the savory version of The Fat Kid Inside‘s Sweet And Savory Flourless Pancakes.

Disclaimer: This entry is filed under Test Kitchen for a reason. Safety Schools attempts to chronicle things at different stages despite most of them being inevitable failures. I’m not saying this one’s a complete disaster though. It’s just that I’d much rather you mosey on over to this site, if you want to try making this yourself. For now. But don’t worry, I’ll be creating a ridiculously delicious sweet version next weekend and I’ll force you to make that. So shh.

Breakfast of A Former Champ

I put some wilted spinach for pizzazz.

I also put a slice of Canadian bacon for companionship:

Here it is with a glass of Kefir, Blue Rose’s Feta Filipina (kesong puti in olive oil, basil, and spices), & some olive oil art drops:

This is surprisingly pleasant, even though I totally forgot to salt it. The recipe’s got a mild milky nut flavor which makes it a perfect base for just about anything.

The problem with this particular attempt is that its deliciousness is mostly due to Feta Filipina’s inherent deliciousness. The actual pancake’s savory goodness? Not so much.

Sorry, this my sweet tooth talking. What I’m saying is that this would be mind-blowingly delicious with a drizzling of dulce de leche or some chocolate, honey, maple syrup, mixed berries, or (holy shit!) The Elvis trifecta of breakfast deliciousness: bananas, sweet peanut butter, and crispy fried bacon.

It’s not really a pancake, to be honest. The texture is much closer to a polenta. Maybe we should start calling this a corn-free polenta. Or a gigantic sugar-free pan fried macaroon. That would make more sense. That would also make your food sound really class, which is important if you’re the type to announce long food titles on Twitter.

Things I Could Have Done Differently:

1. I could have added some salt.
2. I could have added more liquid. I obviously had the proportions wrong. This is probably why mine became a polenta.
3. I could have added a few more slices of Canadian bacon (and maybe a slice or two of Fontina cheese)
4. I could have just skipped the Feta Filipina. (It’s delicious but it might be nice to make it a simple ham & cheese)
5. I could have just stir fried the spinach with a bit of cream, butter, and nutmeg, and served it as a side.
6. I could have just made it sweet, yo.

Skill Level: 0.5 / 10

Success Level: 2.5 / 5

Self Fulfillment: + 1

Sugar Craving: + 100